FASHION | September Wish List (Like a Six Year Old Wearing Her Mum’s High Heels)

Usually I would justify a September Wish List as ‘back to uni clothes’, but I can’t do that anymore seeing as I am now a perpetually unemployed graduate.  The unemployed thing is key here though, as I can’t actually afford to buy clothes anymore, so making wish lists will have to suffice.  But I am starting to think about adulthood and being a real life grownup, and where some people may think the way you act shows how adult you are, I prefer a more aesthetic approach.  So here is my wish list of kind-of-grownup-looking clothes, that maybe I will buy when I get an actual job in an attempt to look professional and less like a twelve year old.  And maybe then I’ll be able to make decent looking collages.

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Popper Front Boyfriend Coat, Topshop, £58; Knitted Angora Cable Cardi, Topshop, £48; Petite Spot Print Shirt, Topshop, £32.

I have a thing for oversized coats.  I think it comes from having no choice in the sizing when I was a kid; as I was a Topshop Junkie from age eleven, when even size sixes drowned me.  Now when I can actually get clothes to fit me, I just wanna pretend to be thirteen again.  Also, y’know, they’re great for layering blaaah blaaah blaaaaah.  I can’t even begin to justify this cardigan, it’s just that today is the first day of post-summer-2013 knitwear wearing so I’ve got a little bit carried away.  I just think it will match my new penchant for ginger hair, okay?  And the shirt is just cute and I like wearing black ’cause I’m a total goth. That’s as deep as it gets here.

ImagePeg Trousers In Floral Print, ASOS, £17.50; Tan Lock Strap Tote Bag, Miss Selfridge, £39; Green Check Ponte Jacket, Miss Selfridge, £45.

I LOVE UGLY TROUSERS. I can’t help it. It’s an addiction. I’m still searching for that perfect pair which has just the right ugly/awesome balance, I’m taking this very seriously.  I picked this bag because I really need to come to terms with the fact the Zara City Bag in tan is never going to come back in stock and it breaks my heart just thinking about it.  Also my mother just bought herself a gorgeous brown Mulberry bag and I’m jealous, but would actually have to sell my kidney on the black market to afford my own.  And oh look wow, yet another oversized jacket/blazer thing. I told you I had a problem. I just wanna be a little androgynous princess!

I can definitely see myself wearing these to get brunch or something and being a proper grownup.  Brunch definitely seems like the most adult meal to get.  I’m already teaching myself the lingo: mortgages, tax return, and Sainsbury’s Basics.

LIFE | A Critical Analysis of the People I Follow on Twitter

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Either I’m starting a series revolved around my apparent Peter Pan Complex, or I just really miss writing university essays.  So whilst my last post talks about how I view myself, I figured I could investigate my subconscious by critiquing the things I’m interested in:

Child Stars (e.g. Dylan and Cole Sprouse, Amanda Bynes, Miley Cyrus)The obvious answer for following these kinds of people would be that the subject enjoys the media that they used to produce and now follows it for nostalgic reasons; however, it could also be the result of both voyeurism and jealousy, as the subject is roughly the same age as the former child stars, and feels she has accomplished much less in her life than them.  Following this category of people works in two ways for the subject, one may cause resentment over the fact at twenty-one years old, the subject must come to terms with how they will never be in a Disney Channel Original Movie, whilst the other works in the opposite way by reminding the subject that she hasn’t grinded on a middle aged guy on live television, or thrown a bong out of a window.

Real Life Grownup Stuff (e.g. The Guardian, The Independent, Everyday Sexism)In complete contrast to the previous category, the subject reminds us that it does care about things other than popular culture, and shows depth over how it can simultaneously appreciate both the increasing problem of the sexualisation of women in society, and Toddlers and Tiaras.  Nonetheless, one does have to remember that as Twitter is a public forum, one of these categories could be used as a facade.  Is the subject following the child stars to adhere to the nostalgic ‘us versus them’ attitude held by the Internet’s obsession with the 1990s?  Or is the other category followed to distance herself from the aforementioned subculture?  The subject’s mixing of both popular culture and interest in the feminist movement can be evidenced by her quoting of a popular song to express her dismay over the ‘slut shaming’ of Miley Cyrus’ 2013 VMA performance: ‘I presume someone’s already made a she’s just being Miley joke?’ (Parrish: 2013), as it shows appreciation for both sides of the spectrum.

People Whose Jobs I Want (e.g. Kelly Osbourne, Charlie Brooker, Alexa Chung, Hugh Hefner)Although often considered part of the ‘Real Life Grownup Stuff’ category, this warrants its own section as it binds both genuine professional interest and creepy voyeuristic Internet stalking together.  The subject finds both the professional qualities of the Twitter users interesting, whilst also enjoying their personal lives as well.  This shows a wide array of interests held by the subject such as fashion, journalism, satire, and women dressed as rabbits.  However, it is interesting to note that many of these interests are improved by the concern the subject has for their everyday lives; whether it be their famous relatives, their celebrity circle of friends, or their living arrangements with various younger women.  This acts as evidence of two different levels of the subject’s subconscious interests, as it shows she appreciates these people on both their professional qualities, and in a more espial manner, their personal lives.

Local (e.g. Kingston Upon Hull’s bid for City of Culture 2017, University of Hull’s American Studies Department)It could be argued that this category merely shows the local pride that the subject holds for its hometown.  However, the hometown in question is Kingston Upon Hull, a city most commonly in the media for negative reasons and often criticised by other people for humorous purposes.  With this knowledge, one could make the deduction that by following these local accounts, the subject is merely acting like they are not affected by the constant negative remarks about her city, by using the Twitter platform to show her supposed support for its endeavours.  This would give the impression that the subject is quite insecure about her background and current living arrangements, in a city only famous for toads and having a terrible accent.

And much like in actual essays, I can’t write conclusions.  I’m not even entirely sure what I’d be concluding, as I only wrote this to see if I could still bullshit my way through an essay– which apparently I can.  I learnt a lot whilst on my degree, but mainly it’s that most of the time you’ve just got to write what you think your lecturer wants to hear, even if you don’t remotely agree with it yourself.  Sure, my ‘People Whose Jobs I Want’ section might be a pretty accurate summary, but I don’t follow child stars out of resentment, I don’t follow various news publications to balance out the fact I tweet about Dance Moms a lot, and I definitely don’t follow local Hull accounts because I secretly hate it here.  So what started as a critique about me somehow turned into a slight appraisal of the way you’re expected to write English and Film essays at university.  Sometimes the author just means he had a sandwich, okay, and he didn’t secretly want to fuck his mother.  And sometimes I just want to follow both reality television stars and inspirational quotes from my favourite alcoholic Jazz Age writers.

So for this essay for the University of Parrish, I’m giving myself a 2:1. ‘Why not a 1st?’ I hear you cry? Because I wrote this with a cat sat on one of my arms, which is definitely not the best way to critique your subconscious (which is probably why I didn’t write the sections on entertainment, YouTubers and actors, or my friends– ugh, friends).

LIFE | An Honest CV (or ‘Why I Don’t Have a Job’)

Looking at my CV, it’s clear that it’s pretty awful. I’ve had one paying job, one freelance job, and one stance at volunteering. When there are seemingly thousands and thousands of hungry graduates clawing after one measly little barista job, it’s easy to see why I’m repeatedly being looked over. Because you can’t put what you really want to on a CV, you’ve got to hold yourself to mystical rules that employers might find appealing, which pretty much voids your application of all traces of personality.  I’m not saying you should get a job based on personality alone, because even then I’m sure there are billions of people who could outshine me.  But still, it would be nice to make an impression more than The Girl Who Worked In An Office For Four Months And Failed GCSE Maths.  So here is my improved CV, showcasing all my supposed talents that are banned from my actual resume.

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