How To Speak Emoji

Although I’m one of those people who talks about their opinions on the Internet, in the IRL I’m actually a person of few words. This definitely transpires when I’m texting, because if I can convey something with a little yellow face instead of boring normal human words, then I’m going to. At first I felt a little self conscious, as I seemed to be the only one of my friends who fully embraced the wonders of Emoji. Sure they’d send me a little smiley face every now and again, but when it comes to Emojis, I go big or I go home. It was the final thing that confirmed I was the Shoshanna Shapiro of my friend group; something I’ve actually begun to embrace. However, much like Shoshanna, sometimes other people don’t get my Emoji usage. They don’t really understand what I’m trying to say when I put a snail next to a pizza slice and a broken heart. I’m clearly saying that I ordered something from JustEat and it’s taking an entire lifetime to get here, duh. So to avoid further confusion, I am here to share my ways with the world by translating some of my most used Emojis into actual human sentences. I may have struggled with German in school, but I’m fluent in this. Consider this the Rosetta Stone of Emoji… the Rosytta Stone, if you will.

Sunglasses Emoji: I am in need of validation, so I’m faking confidence in what I just said.

Love Heart Eyes Emoji: I am so happy about this, a simple smiley face would not suffice.

Blowing A Kiss w/ Love Heart Emoji: You’ve probably just agreed to do something that you didn’t want to do, I am grateful.

Winky Face Emoji: I hardly know you and I want you to think that I’m cool and not agonising over every minute detail of this text.

Excessive Crying Emoji: You have slightly disappointed me but I’m going to act like you have ruined my life to show you how totally cool I am with it.

Medical Mask Emoji: I can’t hang out with you because I’m sick. This Emoji has exactly the same validity as a doctors note.

Skull Emoji: Valar Morghulis.

Poop Emoji: You have done something I disapprove of, but it is humorous.

Thumbs Up Emoji: I agree to these demands. Usually in reference to making plans.

Clapping Hands Emoji: Congratulations/I am proud of you.

Red Love Heart Emoji: I am showing affection regarding the current situation. This is the closest thing to an X you are going to get.

Dark Moon Face Emoji: I am expressing happiness in the same way that a normal yellow Emoji would, but you know me well enough to know I am super creepy (like this moon), and you will not judge me.

Ghost Emoji: My reaction to that news was so intense I am now deceased. This could refer to any emotion.

Gun Emoji: Don’t make me make you.

Slice of Pizza Emoji: I am bribing you with food. Often used with Red Wine Emoji.

Red Wine Emoji: I am bribing you with alcohol. Often used with Slice of Pizza Emoji.

USA Flag Emoji: Usually sent to American friends to inform them that their country has done something right for a change, often in regards to a TV show.

Union Jack Emoji: Usually sent to American friends to inform them that my country is better than theirs, often in regards to a TV show.

Aubergine Emoji: Love you xoxoxoxoxoxo/only special people receive this.

Hopefully in the future everyone will learn how superior Emojis are when communicating. Why would you say LOL when there is a laughing Emoji for it? Why would you say TTYL when you can use picture of a waving hand? We are living in the future; Emojis are upon us. Although it still weirds me out when my mum uses them. Maybe I will become a TEFL student and spread the word. Teaching Emoji as a Foreign Language.

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Author: Rosanna Parrish

Brit exiled in Spain.

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