I’ve been single for over a year now, which doesn’t really bother me as much as it does the protagonists in those romcoms that I totally don’t watch… ahem. So I may not get to be the little spoon anymore (I’m the big spoon to my cat), I have television. And with television comes the option to be attracted to somebody without all the hassle of trying to woo them. Y’know, because they’re not real. But that’s the best part about having a fictional crush. You don’t have to spend hours agonising over whether they will like you back or not, and these people definitely don’t care that you’re drooling over them whilst wearing a Hello Kitty onesie and shoving Oreos into your mouth. I think that everyone should just stop dating entirely and focus on Netflix. Here are some more characters to get you started.
1) Daniel Desario, Freaks and Geeks:
I’ve always had a crush on James Franco. He’s just one of those people who is blessed with a really nice face. I even sorta kinda maybe liked him in Spring Breakers when he had teeth that looked like they were made out of tinfoil. However, in light of recent events, I’ve actually realised he’s a bit of a creep. I got weird vibes from him when I first started following him on Instagram, but the whole seventeen year old girl scandal kind of put me off him. So even though thinking about James Franco now kind of makes my skin crawl, I can still think about Daniel Desario with ease. There is a reason that when you Google Image search ‘Daniel Desario’ the first suggestion is ‘Daniel Desario smile’. He has an amazing wardrobe that I would totally be borrowing from all the time, and even though his relationship with Kim is turbulent to say the least, he seems to be committed to hear and it’s kind of endearing. There’s also the fact he was super nice to the Geeks, which is always nice to see within the bad boy archetype. Yep, this character almost makes me forget about how gross James Franco is IRL. Almost.
2) Marshall Eriksen, How I Met Your Mother:
I think I’ve made my feelings on HIMYM pretty clear on this blog, but that still doesn’t stop me from loving Marshall. Although all the main characters on the show are super attractive, and when NPH sings my heart begins to smile, Marshall is my favourite. Maybe it’s because I never completely disassociated Lily Aldrin from Willow Rosenberg (possibly my all time favourite fictional character), but I definitely feel like Marshall is the most underrated HIMYM guy. He is just such a sweetie, and his relationship with Lily is one of the most solid that I’ve seen on TV, especially in a sitcom. The whole Ross/Rachel, will they/won’t they sitcom trope is great for a while, but sometimes I like to see the happy ever after part. I think part of Marshall’s charm is that Barney and Ted’s roles in the show were mainly about them trying to get women, and Marshall was such a breath of fresh air. It also makes me sad that I’ll never have a nickname as cute as Marshmallow or Lilypad.
3) Jim Halpert, The Office:
Despite this series showing my penchant for whole ‘bad boy’ vibe (vampires, slavers, junkies), I do love me an underdog. When I watched first The Office, I was trapped in this one ‘just one more episode, then they have to be together’ loop until 4AM every morning. I was so invested in Jim and Pam that it didn’t matter that Michael Scott is my least favourite fictional character in the history of the world (even more than Kennedy from Buffy, yeah I went there). It may seem a bit weird that I am attracted to someone purely because I love their relationship with another character, but I promise that I don’t mean it in a Fatal Attraction-eque way. It’s not like I imagine that I am Pam or anything. But like I mentioned in the first crushes post, I’m over the whole lazy musician boyfriend thing, maybe paper sales is the area I need to be looking in. Or I can just stay inside and rewatch The Office. *Turns to make face into imaginary camera*.
4) Gob Bluth, Arrested Development:
I know, I know. I don’t really understand this one either. You would think that Michael Bluth would be the obvious choice here, but there’s just something about Gob. He is a completely horrible person, and I know that being in a relationship with him must be absolute hell. But whatever, he’s hot and he does magic. There’s nothing cooler than a magician. I’m kind of embarrassed by this one and I’d rather not dwell on it much longer, because I don’t really have any ways to defend it. But at least it’s better than Buster, right? Or, like, having a crush on your cousin? Besides, I’m vegetarian, I think all the dead doves in the fridge might cause a problem.
5) Prince Zuko, Avatar: The Last Airbender:
What? I can’t make one of these lists without having at least one animated character. I’d just be lying to myself. Other than Appa, Zuko is my favourite character on Avatar. Sure, he may be a little bit evil, but Aang is super annoying, I’d want to kill him too. He has everything I look for in a character; a catchphrase I can say in barely relevant situations, a tragic backstory, and, well, he’s hot. I mean, technically Appa has none of these things and I still love him, but who cares? Appa is the exception. Admittedly my love of Zuko is not as strong as when he is bald and has a ponytail, but scruffy hair and fringe Zuko makes up for it. And have you seen him with his shirt off? Hello. Now I will make a joke about ‘lighting my fire’ and you can judge me. Zuko’s love is worth it.
I told you I could make a series out of this. I have a lot of time on my hands and a lot of love for things that aren’t real. I’m starting to think that maybe I should just do a whole post of animated characters that I want to snuggle with. Maybe it will get it out of my system? At least cartoons are better than the first crush I had as a child… Beetlejuice. I think we’ve established that I was a weird kid, there’s really no need to delve further into that train wreck.