Every once in a while I like to go back and read the blog I kept between the years 2008 and 2012 (with a giant gap for 2010/11 because little Fresher Rosy thought she was too cool to have a blog), and whenever I do this, I go through the same stages. I’m sure we’ve all done it, the whole ‘ugh, I was so cringeworthy back then’ thing. But I can guarantee that if I read this blog again in 2016, I’m bound to feel exactly the same way. One of the last posts on my old blog is from May 2012, when I was living in a house with my boyfriend and finishing off my second year of university. At the time I thought I had a lot to complain about, but looking back I guess that I had it pretty easy. So I’m taking the post that is closest to this date two year ago, and I’m going to bend the rules of space and time to talk to nineteen year old me. Just call me Russell T Davies.
‘04/05/2012: Well… that went well.’
‘I figured that this is the place I used to come to be whiney so I might as well do that again for a little bit because right now I feel like I’m wasting my life, y’know, the usual stuff.’
Okay, so I guess this is better than when you would write about your unrequited love interests back in 2008, casually avoiding naming any names in case, god forbid, someone you knew IRL found it. And yeah, that whole wasting your life feeling is just going to keep getting stronger. You better get used to it.
‘I really regret not doing a more vocational degree, one where you actually learn skills rather than just learning for the sake of learning. I’m not sure how much of this literary and cinema criticism will help me later in life.’
Oh, my sweet summer child. Almost two years later you’re still going to be having the exact same feelings. ‘Learning for the sake of learning’ is definitely the best way you could possibly describe your degree. But don’t worry about whether the literary and cinema criticism will be useful or not… you’ll take gender studies and history modules by the time you leave as well. Although your prospective employers aren’t really impressed by those either.
‘This time next year, I’ll be just about finishing off my final essays and wanting to cry and deteriorating into nothingness and I get scared just thinking about it.’
You could definitely predict the future, but it’s mainly your own fault for taking a class called American History Film that you didn’t understand or care for at all. Even though you knew it would be your most challenging essay, you still left it until about a week before it was due. Not everything can be about feminist criticism, you know. Sometimes you’re gonna have to write about Leonardo DiCaprio and the FBI.
‘Princeton from Avenue Q said it best: ‘what do you do with a BA in English?’ Also film… I guess even the puppet had better life prospects than me.’
You’ve seen Avenue Q twice now and that song is pretty much the soundtrack to your life. You joke about it here, but by the time you’re 21 it is going to haunt your dreams.
‘I’ve always said I wanted to write (although I hate actually declaring that on the Internet because I don’t want to be included in that group of fourteen year olds who use the xD emoticon and talk using .gifs) and even though the medium of what I want to write has changed over the years, I still really like the idea of doing that.’
You still do want to write, so I guess that’s a good sign. Although nobody actually wants to hire you… or even comment on your blog. It’s okay, you’re just a struggling artist. Your time will come (it probably won’t come, it’s just that you’re nineteen and still cute and innocent).
‘Part of me wants to run away and work in a Coyote Ugly-esque bar, part of me wants to work my way up a magazine starting from intern to fashion editor and part of me just wants to marry rich and surround myself with an army of pugs and cats.’
You’re still totally down for doing all those things. Particularly the Coyote Ugly one. Hey, if it worked for Violet Sanford…
‘Whichever of those I decide to do, I should probably start this essay on South Park first.’
You got a 2:1 on that essay, congratulations.
If I learnt anything from this experience, it’s that I’m pretty much the same as I was two years ago. Back then I thought that things couldn’t get any worse for me, just because I was struggling with writing essays on The Wind in the Willows and angry at my boyfriend for not taking the bins out. But now almost two years have gone by, and I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom because I can’t get a job and I live with my parents. Yeah, it’s pretty sucky, but I could have it a lot worse. When I’m 26, I could be living in a really nicely decorated apartment with a rescue dog named Jasper, or I could still be with my parents and crying over job websites. A lot can happen in two years or absolutely nothing can. The only major change between 2012 and 2014 Rosy that I can see is that we clearly have differing views on the Oxford comma.
(The flattering/totally artsy photo in this post is also the one I used to accompany the original blogpost, it summed up how I was feeling then and also how I’m feeling now. ART.)