I have a love/hate relationship with Netflix. Sometime’s I’ll find a really great TV show or the perfect movie for how I’m feeling, but most of the time I find myself just endlessly scrolling through the genres. Usually I actively search for what I want to watch, and I can’t remember the last time I actually clicked on one of those super helpful suggestions. I’m starting to think that my Netflix account is actually a sentient being that either really hates me and picks these titles to make my life a misery, or is just really passionate about what we should be watching together. If it is the latter, I’m sorry I’ve made you rewatch Gossip Girl four times, okay? I just have a lot of feelings. If it’s the former, however, then I won’t feel bad about the following list. See, with all this downtime I have thanks to my perpetual unemployment, I’m starting to think that I can speak Netflix. I know what these suggestions and category titles are actually trying to tell me, so I went through the selection of recommended titles and and changed the category names to something a little more fitting. I’m onto you, Netflix.
Recently Watched/My List: You choose these ones so, uh, it’s all down hill from here.
Popular on Netflix: I don’t care if you never watch comedies, the rest of the world really like Superbad, okay?
Critically-acclaimed Films: Who cares about what genres you like, this won an Oscar.
Top Picks for Rosanna: You will hate all of these suggestions, but I really think you should know about them.
TV Programmes: I could not be any vaguer if I tried.
Watch It Again: Pay £5.99 to have access to a sprawling catalogue of titles… only to watch the same five movies over and over again.
Popular on Facebook: People you don’t care about like these movies, you should really try and be supportive of their interests.
Dramas: A little bit of fantasy, a little bit of romance. I’m just trying to cover all of my bases here.
Because you watched The Dark Matter of Love: You watched a documentary this one time, so here’s every other documentary we have. If you like troubled adopted Russian kids, you’ll enjoy one about beauty queens, right?
US TV Programmes: I noticed you like shows about American high school kids, this show about stopping terrorists also has Americans in it.
Visually-striking Films: I don’t know what you want so I’m giving you artsy independent films, but also lots of CGI explosions. You’re welcome.
Recently Added: I am an actually useful feature– see, they do exist.
Irreverent Films: I could literally not find a type of movie you could hate more than this.
Because you watched House of Anubis: Remember that time you marathoned a kids TV show because your parents abandoned you to go to the Caribbean over Christmas? Here’s every other show made for children that we have. I’ll be sure to be on the screen when you have friends over.
Crime Films: I’m gonna be useful and give you documentaries about serial killers, but I’ll also show you 80s romcoms about the police that you’re bound to hate.
Because you watched Gavin & Stacey: Here’s every other show the BBC has ever made ever!
Horror Films: I’m sorry I haven’t really been helping you very much, I’ll try to be more useful now. We’ve got The Mist, The Amityville Horror, and LOLJK you should watch Lesbian Vampire Killers.
Documentaries: So you wanna learn something, huh? Why don’t you try Vegucated, Kurt & Courtney, or Louis Theroux? No, no, I got it! The Katy Perry documentary. You’re into that, right?
Children & Family Films: You’re unemployed and living with your parents.
Emotional Films: You’re still unemployed and living with your parents.
Because you watched Life Unexpected: Remember that one TV show you watched because Anya from Buffy The Vampire Slayer was in it? Here’s some more shows that she isn’t in.
Foreign Films: I know that if you wanted to read you’d be on your Nook instead of me, but I think you should give these subtitles a shot. Be cultured for a change.
Because you watched Treasure Planet: So I heard you like talking animals?
Films Featuring a Strong Female Lead: Let’s be honest here, half of these films would not pass the Bechdel test.
Films based on a book: Reading is for losers.
Cerebral Documentaries: I’m sorry I suggested the Katy Perry movie, okay?!
TV Dramas: Because The Tudors and The L Word are totally the same.
Critically-acclaimed Dramas: Look, you’ve watched the Hey Arnold movie more times than a 21 year old probably should have, I’m just trying to help you.
When Netflix first arrived in the UK, I thought we had something special. But no, it lives to torment me. I don’t know how many times I can say that I don’t like comedy films before it stops telling me to practically marry Adam Sandler. But I’ll continue to keep feeding it my money… even if that is so I can just keep watching 10 Things I Hate About You and Orange Is The New Black on a monthly basis. And if anyone wants to suggest some TV shows and movies for me (ones that don’t come up in those completely useless categories), then I definitely want to hear them. I love you, Netflix, don’t ever change… unless you want to give the UK access to the US library, then I’d be totally cool with it.