TV | Alison DiLaurentis Deserved To Get Burried Under That Gazebo

The “big reveal” of last season’s Pretty Little Liars has been painfully obvious since the show’s beginning. It’s always been a given that Alison DiLaurentis was going to turn up alive. So when she spins around and exposes herself to the Liars, I was met with disappointment. Not because it was so ridiculously cheesy (it was), but because I really, really wished she was dead. I know that’s probably against the whole vibe of the show– everyone wants all the Liars reunited, right? But whilst all the main characters of PLL have their flaws: Ali is the worst. In fact, I’m pretty sure she has no redeemable qualities whatsoever.

Up until recently, Ali had only been seen in flashbacks, when all the Liars were seemingly innocent and happy (unless you count all those times the Liars thought they were hallucinating her). Spencer was a badly dressed overachiever living in the shadow of her sister, Aria was soooo rebellious and punk with her pink hair, Emily was a closeted jock obsessed with her douchey best friend, and Hanna was (supposedly) fat. But Ali always had this air of confidence about her, something that the other Liars often allude to in a positive manner. But from what I’ve seen of flashback Ali, I have absolutely no idea why anyone would want to be friends with her. Let alone risk their lives on a daily basis to track down her/her killer/their crazy stalker.

It’s immortality, my darlings’. Shut up. Shuuuuuut uuuuuuuuup. ShuuUuUuUuuuut uuuUuUUup. Alison was like fifteen when she went missing. What fifteen year old talks like this? If I had said this at school I would have been punched in the face. If someone else had spoken like this at my school, I would have punched them in the face. I can maybe possibly kind of believe why other fifteen year old girls would have let it slide that Ali talks like she is in some artsy independent student film, but Ali seemed to spend a lot of time with creepy older dudes, and I’m really struggling to understand how they didn’t kill her or themselves whenever she opened her mouth. I know that Rosewood has this weird thing about statutory rape being the basis for any healthy relationship, but come on. I find it really hard to believe that whatever illegal activities you and Ali were getting up to when you were alone was worth listening to that all day.

As well as being inhumanly irritating, she’s also just an all round horrible person. She tries to blackmail Aria’s dad about his affair, which yeah, was a shitty thing for Byron to do, but exploiting her friend’s family like that was even worse. She practically forces an eating disorder on Hanna, another of her supposed best friends. We know that she bullied Mona enough for her to start the whole A thing in the first place. She was clearly using Emily for some weird sexualised lesbian experiment fantasy without ever actually having any real feelings for her. Not to mention the argument she had with Spencer on the night of her disappearance, when she totally judges Spencer for kissing her sister’s boyfriend. I think you’ve done a lot worse, DiLaurentis, judging by the fact someone seems to be trying to kill you.

It amazes me how these girls remained friends throughout all of this. If I had been a Liar, the day we got the first text from A, I would have been all ‘nope’. I would have either transferred schools and never set foot in Rosewood again or just taken my chances and gone to the police about the whole Jenna thing. Then again, I don’t think the Liars are really the most logical people in the world. They finally found out who has been stalking them for the past few years (one of the people, at least) and just accepted his lame excuse of ‘ohhhh, I’m actually just writing a book!’ At least two of them have spoken to Ezra since this and haven’t thought to ask him why he tracked their every move on a computer and had people follow them with cameras. I know the writers have revealed to us that Ezra isn’t A (which was obvious), but the girls don’t fully know that yet. Claiming that they’re just writing a book is exactly the kind of thing A would say!

But I guess Alison’s complete insanity and unwillingness to come home (despite the existence of various police protection programs) can at least be partly attributed to the latest episode’s revelation. Mrs DiLaurentis might be A? I’ll admit I never saw that one coming, unlike every other supposed big twist in the series so far. Mona? Toby? CeCe? Well, duh. If I had a mother like Alison’s, I’d definitely wanna stay away too. Although, the woman does have amazing creeping skills. Getting in and out of Spencer’s bedroom with at least two other people in the house is quite an achievement. It would explain all those countless shots of the Liars chasing Ali, only for her to disappear into seemingly nowhere. It must be something in the genes.

Pretty Little Liars is without a doubt a giant train wreck of a TV show. It somehow manages to be both predictable and nonsensical at the same time, which is a quality that makes it terrible and wonderful. I know that every season finale they’re going to “reveal A”, only for it to be a total Red Herring within the next few episodes. I know that there’s forever going to be loose ends or things that don’t really make sense. And I know that the high schoolers are always going to look like adults, which will somehow make it okay (???) for them to have inappropriate relations with teachers, doctors, and detectives. But I just can’t stop watching. I need to know who A actually is and who tried to kill Alison and who the hell is buried in her grave. But more importantly, I want all those loose ends tied up so Ali can finally be reunited with the Liars for them only to tell her ‘we’ve just realised you’re actually kind of a bitch, bye!’ And then the the camera will slowly zoom in on Alison’s shocked face whilst the screen fades to black; finishing off with a post-credit scene showing the four Liars eating ice cream and being happy for the first time in years. And then maybe someone can finally hit Ali with a shovel and finish the job properly this time.

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Author: Rosanna Parrish

Brit exiled in Spain.

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