Looking at my CV, it’s clear that it’s pretty awful. I’ve had one paying job, one freelance job, and one stance at volunteering. When there are seemingly thousands and thousands of hungry graduates clawing after one measly little barista job, it’s easy to see why I’m repeatedly being looked over. Because you can’t put what you really want to on a CV, you’ve got to hold yourself to mystical rules that employers might find appealing, which pretty much voids your application of all traces of personality. I’m not saying you should get a job based on personality alone, because even then I’m sure there are billions of people who could outshine me. But still, it would be nice to make an impression more than The Girl Who Worked In An Office For Four Months And Failed GCSE Maths. So here is my improved CV, showcasing all my supposed talents that are banned from my actual resume.
- Name: Rosy Parrish
- Age: 21 (I know I look sixteen, but I have ID, I promise)
- Education: I have a degree in English and American Literature and Culture and I promise it’s not as pretentious as it sounds. I can write you essays on anything from the Renaissance to the Restoration and Walt Whitman to Walt Disney. I also wrote a story about a divorced man called Alan once, my lecturers said it was very good. Okay, so I might not have actually passed GCSE Maths– but I took it four times! And if that’s not determination, I don’t know what it is. I can add up pretty well though, you can check the scores on my copy of Nintendo Brain Training if you need a reference.
- Experience: I wrote something for the student newspaper once and everyone said they liked it… but it caused a bit of drama and had to be removed from the website, and after that they stopped publishing everything I submitted. So I don’t actually have proof that I’m of a publishable quality, but at least you can know I can cause a scandal when necessary. I also worked in an office for a bit, so I know what it’s like to work in mind-numbingly dull conditions. I answered phone calls and sent out tweets, I acted like a real life adult and everything.
- Skills: I can name all of the English/British Monarchs from 1066 in chronological order. The same for the US presidents, although living in England I’m not entirely sure why I bothered with that one. I can also name all of the countries in the world and pretty much have a world atlas engraved into my brain in the hopes that someone will one day need geography trivia. I suppose in real life professional terms I should say that I’m ‘good at retaining information’, which is true… it’s just that it’s usually pretty useless stuff. I’m also really well liked by cats. I’m sure other people will tell you that it’s not a skill, but cats are very particular animals, so you know if a cat likes you, you’re an okay person.
- Best Qualities: All my wages will probably go on clothes so you know I will be dressed nicely, I watch a lot of good TV and films and am like a walking Recommended For You Netflix section, I am good at acting confident and in control when actually I want to cry, and once upon a time I was mildly relevant on the Internet.
- Worst Qualities: I’m almost completely blind but refuse to wear my glasses, I sporadically cry when fictional characters die for days afterwards, I have a cold for about 80% of the year, and having to call people on the phone makes me want to vomit.
That is it. My honest CV. If anything it will make people want to give me a job even less than before (if that is possible), but if I could hire myself, I totally would. I mean, my self-deprecating nature makes it perfectly obvious that I don’t actually like myself too much, but I’m at least sympathetic enough to hire myself so I can leave my parents house and live amongst my floordrobe in peace.